Now that I have a seven-year-old boy, I feel confident in declaring Things I’m All Done With.  I’m making these declarations as a Mom who wants to preserve her sanity, and support the Cause for Common Sense that seems to be severely lacking these days, and ultimately regain control.

My list of Things I’m All Done With:

  1.  Slime.  I don’t care if it’s of the homemade variety or one that comes in a can trying to be all Playdohey, I’m All Done with slime.  There is no good kind.  Don’t be fooled by anything that claims it won’t make a mess.  I really wonder who decided that enticing children with fluorescent pots of oozy, sticky concoctions was a good idea.  More importantly, WHY DID I EVER ALLOW IT TO ENTER MY HOUSE?  Why did I ever buy the promise of “I WON’T MAKE A MESS”?  Impossible.  Parents, everywhere, we need to band together and stop this slime nonsense.   There is no valid reason for slime’s existence.  We need to shut that shit down and make it stay down.
  2. Bunch Ems, Orbeez, Aquabeads and any of their distant relatives.  I blame Nickelodeon for this one.  Tommy had no clue about these “creative toys,” until he started watching a channel that had commercials.  I’m sad to say that my son is a marketer’s dream.  He buys all of the false advertising that products like Bunch Ems and Orbeez promise. What’s the real truth about what these products offer?  15 minutes of novelty that quickly morphs into a big fat mess.  Bunch Ems are the velcro third cousins of Legos.  Orbeez and Aquabeads are at least 600 tiny little balls, that just end up everywhere other than in the creation that they were intended.  And you can never get rid of all of them.  They’re like glitter and Easter basket grass.  Just when you think you’ve captured every last piece, and you’re finally rid of them, one rolls out from the couch.  For these reasons, I’m All Done with itty-bitty piece creative toy kits.
  3. Birthday Party Favors Parents, can we just make a pact?  Can we all come to a collective agreement?  If you invite my child to your child’s birthday party, I am happy to buy your child a present and have my child attend.  I hope you feel the same.  But can we put an end to a social formality that really is just a pain-in-the-ass in disguise?  You won’t break my heart if you don’t offer my child a party favor.  In fact, I confess that there have been times that I’ve “accidentally” left the favor cup behind. I understand that this is how Party City makes their bread and butter–with all the different character cups, mini erasers, mini kazoos, sunglasses, and bulk candy choices.  But let’s be honest about what happens with the favor bags or favor cups or whatever favor vessel is used to house the tiny “thank you for coming” trinkets.  The recipient immediately opens the vessel.  The recipient excitedly pulls out each item and reports what it is.  The recipient sets each item aside unless it’s a favored piece of candy, and then it is immediately consumed, and then the wrapper is the only evidence.  All of the favor items remain in the backseat of the car, waiting for their ultimate demise of the car wash or gas station trash can.  So, parents, can we all just save our hard earned money, as well as some time, and just end this practice.  Party favors, I’m All Done With You.
  4. McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys  Do I really have to say anything more?  I’m All Done with Happy Meal Toys.  And I’ve decided that that age 7 is the expiration age for Happy Meals.
  5. Crap Prizes from Chuck E. Cheese, Stevie B’s, Zap Zone, etc.  I am so, so, so tired of shelling out $20 for my kid to play games for 10 minutes for tickets that regurgitate from a machine which are traded for a 10 cent smiley face eraser.  All done.  I’d rather buy a $5 Hot-N-Ready and go shopping at Dollar Tree.  “Here kid, here’s $5, Knock yourself out!”  At least I’d feel like he was getting his money’s worth.

Maybe I’m just getting old.  Maybe I’m just grumpy.   Back in my day all we had were Legos and Barbie shoes to torment our parents with.  I’m sure there are tales my mother could tell about the things she was all done with, but they can’t be near to what we’re battling.  Modern toy technology, social media, a bazillion TV channels and YouTube have brainwashed the kids of today into believing that what is out there is what is important.  It’s time to reclaim our control.  It’s not what’s OUT there.  It’s what we allow IN.  Don’t forget parents, WE are the BOSS.  WE get to decide.  We can say No.  We get to say what we’re all done with.  And we can use the best parent line ever to justify ourselves.

We get to say, “Because I said so.”